Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid. The gargantuan, omnipotent French education system has lured La Fille into its teleporter. There will be much whining, wailing, whirring of brain clogs until, some 20 years hence, it will spit her out. She will emerge half-woman, half-Republican; a Francophone who warbles to Brel, Brassens and Gainsbourg without looking up the words, thinks Carla Bruni can sing, and considers nursery rhymes like J'ai Faim ("I'm hungry. Eat your fist and save the other for tomorrow. If that's not enough, eat one of your feet and save the other for dancing") perfectly normal entertainment for toddlers.
Yes, the day I thought was too far off to worry about has arrived. La Fille went to school this morning. We managed to sidestep the French shrink, but however much we ran and hid on the Eurostar ultimately we could not avoid Freud and Sartre.
My mission, should I choose to accept it - which I do - is to stop the above happening, particularly, heaven forbid, the Bruni and Brassens bit. To this end I have vowed to:
*Pretend I do not speak or understand a word of French. But only when La Fille is speaking it.
*Force her to watch one Walt Disney classic a day.
*Hide La Belle Belle Fille's Carla Bruni CDs
*Sing Beatles songs very loudly and badly every time her father so much as hums anything resembling French music.
*Read sane and sensible English books like The Cat in the Hat.
Ha! That should do it.
Quid pro quo
5 weeks ago